Sunday, March 29, 2009

Are Colon Cleanses All The Rage?

Last summer, I was sitting at the salon getting my hair cut and colored. My stylist and I were talking about workouts and what not. Out of nowhere, this lady walks up to me and says, "I overheard you saying you are struggling to lose weight, and I want to share with you what I did. Cleansing is the way to go."


I look at her, and tell her I've seen and heard a lot about those products. I mean , I see e-mails daily that say, “Lose 10 pounds a week doing a cleanse!” Or, seeing that lovely infomercial when I can’t sleep at night about colon cleansing. And those colonic spas? Ewww. I really don’t need to know how healthy my crap is.

Back to the lady who craps for a living. She decided to give me her sales pitch. "I'm no longer a housewife.” (Why is this a bad thing?) I was a SIZE 12, a PORKER, and now I'm a 4." At this point, I wanted to say, "Honey, you don't look good, you look anorexic." Her face was severely sun damaged, and sunken in. How is that healthy? A size 12 is horrid? Holy crap, I would be happy as a peach as a size 12.

She just got back from Arizona from this product she's pushing. That's where the sun damage must have came from.

She has 74 clients, and everyone at the country club is asking her what did she do to lose the weight.

I decided to grill her. Here were my questions.
1. How often do you work out? "Ohh about 4 times a week, but I don't do weights, I just do the elliptical." Thought to self: That's at least a 500 calorie burn a day.
2. What do you eat? "The plan says 1 shake for breakfast, they want you to eat food for lunch, around 600 calories." I interrupt her, "Wait, you eat ONLY 600 calories aday?" She says, "NO, they want you to eat 600 calories total for lunch." Thought to self: BULL, and BULL you eat that much. "For dinner I have another shake." Thought to self again: That's the Slimfast plan. Give me a break.
3. What are the protein and sugar contents of the shakes? "Ohhhh really good." Thought to self: Way to know your product lady.
4. And how much is all of this? "About $250-300 a month." WHAT???! I could buy a new Louis Vuitton for 2 months worth of that stuff!

THE ABSOLUTE BEST PART? She does parties at home, AND you can eat chocolate! No! I told her that piece of chocolate that she was trying to give me would give me a migraine.

Then, she told me the products are all organic. Ummm wouldn't organic fruits and vegetables do the same thing? Clean you out and keep the harmful toxins out of your body? It gets better.
The protein in the shakes comes from... wait... NEW ZEALAND because they don't use hormones in any of their foods. Well then, if it comes from New Zealand, sign me up!

The woman who does my color is the manager of the salon. I love Lisa. She is about as down to earth as they get doing color day in and day out for women from The Bubble. As I was leaving the salon, I told her about the lady trying to sell me her crap-o-rama product. Her comment was priceless:

"I'll stick to Ivory, thanks."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What's In A Name



I decided to carve out a little part of the Internet for the Bonner household. I thought it would be quite fitting that my first blog post is on St. Patrick’s Day. After all, I married this feisty red-head guy whose life mission is to dress up in armor, with all his swords, and return to the mother land. We could probably save a bundle by just going to the yearly Irish Festival at Fair Park, but since Robert works in the 24/7 world of IT, that didn’t happen. At least not this year.

I’m not completely sure Robert’s ancestors came from Ireland. They may have roamed around England or France. Robert fits the description: Red hair, a temper (only when I push his buttons) and someone who loves to knock back beer that isn’t ice cold. It’s just more fun to assume his people are from Ireland.

What did we do today to celebrate? Absolutely nothing. No green beer, no chasing rainbows, no looking for lucky leprechauns. Instead I sat home alone watching American Idol—where this week’s choice of music for the top eleven to sing was not from the song book of Celtic Woman. There is a lovely dinner waiting for Robert of Corned Beef, Cabbage, and Green Beans with New Potatoes when he gets home from work.



I remember as I was planning our wedding, I was so excited that my name would change. Growing up hearing the big meanies on the playground call you Fender-Bender, asking, “Are you related to Freddy Fender?” to “Are you one those Fender Guitar people?” just got old. OK, the last one wasn’t so bad. Then to my horror, I realized Bonner wasn’t much better, especially when some moron in a dentist’s office called me Mrs. Boner shortly after we were married. Are you kidding me? I quickly correctly him saying, “It’s Bon-ner.” Last time I checked that tacky word had only one ‘n’ not two. I realize the name Bonner can be pronounced several different ways, including the pronunciation of the tacky word and the English language for the most part is backasswards, but I’m taking a stand right here: Bon-ner pronounced ˈbä-nər’ is the way you say our family name. I also vow to any of my future children, God willing, that if he or she comes home crying from school saying, “Mom, everyone laughed when the teacher said my last name,” that I will hunt that teacher down and do the Riverdance on his or her face.